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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
My body had different plans. We struggled to get pregnant again, and after lots of tests and the determination that nothing was actually wrong, my provider reminded me that I was no spring chicken and that my eggs were now "old." Had we waited too long? Was our time up? We started a rigorous regimen of trying to pro-create. Let's be honest, sex is not so fun when you have to time it around so many variables, but finally in October 2017, we were pregnant again! And then just like that, another miscarriage. We were still hopeful, but due to my increasing awareness of my aging eggs, we decided to get a little help from Clomid, a pill that you take during your monthly cycle that forces ovulation. Low and behold, on our 2nd round of the drug, it worked, and we were pregnant once again in February 2018!
But this one didn't last either. Another miscarriage early on with no explanation. While the first miscarriage made us sad, the 2nd one was heartbreaking. But this one broke me. I was devastated. It was more than I could take. I truly felt that something was wrong with me, that my time had run out, that I was obviously too old and used up. My body had failed me. I decided that maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
Brett was also deeply emotional over these losses, but he always encouraged me to keep trying. After the 3rd loss, when I was ready to quit, it is because of his love and support that I didn't give up. He said that he knew how badly I wanted another baby, and that he would keep trying as long as it took. Since we had one more round of Clomid already on hand, I agreed to try one more time.
This pregnancy was pretty seamless. "Advanced Maternal Age" aside, Marlee was growing inside of me just fine, and other than total loss of appetite and pretty constant nausea, I felt well throughout. I had some sciatic nerve pain and occasional headaches, but there was nothing alarming or abnormal happening. She was definitely the most active baby, way more so than Jack or Lander ever were, and I loved feeling her move! We called her our little wiggly worm!
We planned another water birth, this time back at North Fulton where Jack had been born, b/c we'd had a terrible experience with the staff during Lander's birth at Atlanta Medical Center (Click here for more about that!). I liked my provider, and I felt the midwives were all on board with our birth plan. If you know me, you know I am extremely phobic of needles and medical procedures. A natural, unmedicated water birth is how I had both Jack and Lander, with no IVs, no blood draws, minimal checking, no interventions, and no stitches afterwards. I had every intention of doing the same this time. The only difference was that we wanted the big kids to be there for the birth as well. On December 13th, I went to tour the hospital and got confirmation that the kids could be there. We were all thrilled! The kids were so excited to be able to meet their sister as soon as she would enter the world, and I was so happy they would be a part of this, knowing they were both old enough to remember and share this experience together for the rest of their lives!
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
January 18th was such a great day that Brett didn't want to do anything to ruin it for me, least of all tell me he'd been laid off that afternoon. So he waited and told me the next day. Yep, great timing, right? Here we are, about to have a baby any day now, and once again, we are burdened with another layoff during a major life changing event. I was freaking out, but Brett was happy!?!? He'd been working on a business plan with a potential investor for his own Drywall company for about 6 months, and in his mind this was perfect timing for him to be let go b/c now he could focus on doing his own thing. He believed it would happen, but I was skeptical. Not about his ability to make it happen, but about the time it would take for it to happen! We did not have that kind of time! Not if I wanted my 12 weeks of maternity leave! I immediately became worried he would get to be the stay-at-home dad and I'd be going back to work early to support our family. All the money I had saved to be able to enjoy my time with our baby would be gone! Plus, Brett didn't have a phone or vehicle b/c both belonged to his former employer. I spent the weekend working on the phone situation, setting up an old iPhone I had so we didn't have to spend money on a new one for him, and my sister was nice enough to loan us a car until we could get him a new truck. Brett met with the potential investor that Tuesday, but the investor told him he would need another 6 months before he would be ready to do anything. We did not have 6 months! We had about 3 weeks! Brett kept trying to convince me that things would be okay. He was not discouraged. He believed in his business plan and that this was OUR TIME.
Brett was RIGHT! Within 2 weeks and through some great networking, Brett secured an investor, and BSquared Drywall, LLC was formed! Brett's first official day of business with his own company was 2/11/2019, just one day after Marlee's due date! Brett and I both could breathe again, and we reflected on how everything was falling into place perfectly, and how this pregnancy, this baby, must be our "Lucky Charm."
Meanwhile, being a late transfer to Atlanta Birth Center, I was catching up on appointments and preparing for a Birth Center experience. The only thing about ABC that made me nervous was the possibility of hospital transfer. The back-up hospital for ABC was Atlanta Medical Center, and after Lander's birth, we really did NOT want to end up back there. I was reassured by ABC that although their transfer rate was roughly 30%, most of those were first time moms who were experiencing maternal exhaustion, as first time labors can be excruciatingly long. Jack's labor had been 18 hours and 22 minutes. Lander's was about 4 hours. I felt pretty sure this one would be a piece of cake, so that did not concern me. What DID concern me was that in order to keep their Licensing, ABC was not allowed to deliver past 42 weeks, meaning if still pregnant at 42 weeks, I would HAVE to deliver at Atlanta Medical Center. With Jack being 10 days late, and Lander 16 days late, THIS was my biggest worry. I began to feel very anxious about the timing of it all, desperate to stay at ABC, but also not wanting to disrupt the baby's natural timing with any sort of induction measures.
Due date of February 10th had come and gone. I'd been having contractions off and on for a week when at 41 weeks and 2 days we started to discuss induction possibilities. After much deliberation, and only b/c I desperately wanted to deliver at ABC, we decided on a castor oil induction, as this seemed the least invasive to me. The midwives were certain it would work. I was skeptical actually, but willing to try. Originally we were going to wait until 41 weeks and 5 days to do it, but I worried if it did NOT work, I'd then be even more pressed for time to ensure my birth center delivery. They also had me schedule another ultrasound, but b/c we went ahead with the castor oil, we never made it to that ultrasound.
Wednesday, 2/20/2019:
Thursday, 2/21/2019:
It was a dark and stormy night! Thunder cracking, lightning flashing, and the wind was whipping! Branches were snapping off the trees in our yard like crazy! There was even a flash flood warning! Around 1AM, I woke with some cramping, a little more than 2 hours after the magic smoothie! I went to the bathroom (WARNING: it is about to get graphic and gross), and I had the most slippery poo ever! I thought awesome! I'm all cleaned out and ready to go! A few contractions were also happening. They were not terrible, but they were real ones, and I knew this would be it b/c they felt different than the ones I'd been having all week. I took a shower and felt very ready to go, but I knew I needed to be timing contractions first. At 1:45AM, I texted my mom and sister to let them know something was happening. Just after 2AM, I had another BM round, but this time it was MAJOR diarrhea, so to be safe afterwards, I decided to put on my Depends-type undies (Always brand, Boutique Discreet style in case you were wondering, and they are AWESOME!). At 2:09 Jack woke up. He began yapping my head off; he was sooooo excited, but mostly he was worried about us driving to the birth center in the terrible weather! I let him use an app on my phone to time my contractions and to distract him a bit from the storm, and I told him this birth story will start with "it was a dark and stormy night!" (See what I did there?) My stomach was a little upset, so I had a coke to drink, and that seemed to settle it. We called the midwife around 2:35AM, and she said to trust our intuition on when to come in. We didn't want to wait and be stuck in morning traffic, so we were hyper-aware of the time, but still contractions seemed slow and about 5 minutes apart.
At 3:30AM, my water broke! Thank goodness I was in my special undies! I was so excited b/c no more guess work. This was it! Jack was helping me time contractions and text my mom and sister, so some of the texting got confusing and comical, but ultimately my birth team was ready and we were all in the loop! At 4AM, The McQ Zoo took our last car ride as a family of 4!
We arrived at ABC at 4:25AM. I went right in to a quiet, peaceful environment. It felt like going to a swanky, urban bed and breakfast. We started in the little triage room with the strip that monitors contractions just to make sure I was in active labor, and I was! My midwife on call was Vanessa, but her shift would end at 7AM. A student midwife, Helen, was also there, and both she and Vanessa were calm, encouraging and totally supportive. The only available birth suite was the "Earth" room, and although it was my least preferred of the 3, it ended up being the most perfect for me. Within about 15 minutes of being there, I was in the tub, my own private oasis, a soft, bouncy, weightless pool where I could move freely and position my body in any way that felt comfortable for laboring. This would be my 3rd water birth. I was not afraid. I was eager and excited and fully confident I could bring my baby earth-side with the support of my amazing midwife and birth team. I had already had 2 babies naturally, in the water, and I knew what to expect. I knew how it would feel. I knew it would hurt. I knew it would be worth it when I held my baby in my arms and gazed into her eyes, this time with her brother and sister there to witness and experience this beautiful miracle of life. We took a pic of The McQ Zoo gathered around me in the tub and I posted on Instagram and Facebook saying our Rainbow Baby was on the way!
For a couple of hours, I labored between the tub and the shower. The magic smoothie had some icky side effects, and I didn't want to poo in the tub, so every time I felt the urge, I would get out and use the toilet and then rinse in the shower before getting back in the tub. Getting in and out of the tub was an ordeal each time b/c I am short, and I needed help, and it was an uncomfortable process, but one I was choosing. The Earth room had an amazing shower with a built in bench. I needed that bench so much, and it turned out the Fire room, my first choice, did not have a bench in the shower. This back and forth between shower and tub went on for quite some time. I loved being surrounded by so much support. I loved my mom and my sister and especially my big kids being there with me, cheering me on, smiling, being goofy. My mom had a zillion types of snacks for the kids. The bed in the room was a comfy place where the kids could lounge, and Brett spent the majority of the time we were there laying in that bed! It ended up being the perfect bed b/c it was easy to get in and out of. My 2nd choice, the Water Room, had a super tall bed, not so good for kids, and it would have been hard for me to get in it when I would later need to. As I labored, I was aware of everyone and everything going on around me, and I smiled and cried with joy and happiness that I was having the experience I so desperately wanted. Vanessa had left at 7 and Nicole came on as my midwife, and Helen stayed b/c she just wanted to. Nicole and Helen were listening to me, letting me lead things, trusting me and my body. We were all smiling and proud and excited! I was not afraid! Around 8AM, we started joking about placing bets on when Marlee would make her debut. GRandi and PaPa and Grandpa were all in the waiting room, and Brett and the kids were giving them updates. I really thought she might arrive by about 9:30AM. Then we might even be home by dinnertime!
But that is not how this birth story goes.
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
But it wasn't.
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
Nicole did the exam very quickly. While she was feeling inside she found another bag of waters called the fore bag. This is the inside layer of the amniotic sac. When my water broke at 3:30AM, it was just the outer layer, and all this time, the bouncing I was feeling was b/c the baby WAS bouncing back up inside the bag of waters! Throughout the exam I was screaming and crying and yelling for her to stop and to hurry. She said she wanted to break the bag with a hook instrument, of which I am absolutely terrified! I screamed for her to just do it and do it fast! She inserted the hook and POP! Waters gushed out of me all over the bed! SO. MUCH. FLUID. And I was actually only at 4cm.
The fluid did not hurt, and the exam was over, but I was traumatized by it, and hearing I was really only at 4cm caused quite a blow to my mojo and confidence level. I lay in the bed crying and trying to make sense of it. Brett and my sister were there with me, both comforting me and telling me I was ok and that it was over and to breathe, etc. My sister was very upset with my midwife for having me push through the cervical lip that it turned out wasn't even there, and how could Helen have confirmed the lip and 9cm and been so wrong? Nicole had said all along that a 2-finger check in the water may not be accurate, as it is hard to do it at that angle (me in the tub and them reaching down in the water). I was not upset with the midwife or with Helen b/c they did what I wanted to do and continued to support me while Nicole still insisted that a pelvic exam would be best. It was her trust in me that made me trust her and that is why I eventually agreed to the exam. It took me maybe another hour or so to really stop crying. I finally got out of bed and back into the tub. We thought that my contractions would start back up pretty quickly, but they had kind of stalled out at that point. Anjli stopped by ABC to see how I was doing, and she happened to be there right at this time. She had her precious twins with her. One was in the carrier asleep on Anjli's chest while she was talking to me, and her support and seeing her sweet baby really recharged me. Once again, I was laughing and smiling and hyper-aware of everything around me. Nicole's children were there too, as it was winter break for Cobb County, her husband was out of town, and his flight home had been delayed. She has a girl, Amy, about the age of Jack, and a boy, Declan, a bit younger than Lander. Both were very well behaved and sweet, and they were playing with my kids and I saw them a few times as they came in and out of the room. Now, it was obvious we were looking at being there much longer than we had anticipated, so I was very happy the kids were entertained. They had the Nintendo Switch to play on, and they were bouncing on birth balls and rolling around in chairs in the lobby and eating all of Grandma's snacks. It may seem a bit unconventional, and it was, but I LOVED it. I was truly embracing the openness and community feeling of the birth center. Everyone felt like family to me.
Mandy had to leave ABC for a dentist appointment, but she got back around the time Anjli left. She was so glad the baby didn't come while she was gone, so we all agreed the timing was still good! Nicole felt like I should do some pumping to get contractions going again, so they hooked me up and we started that process, which is comical to do with a bunch of people around, but we laughed and had fun with it, and all the ladies in the room chatted. We marveled at how small my belly looked with all the fluid out of it. We thought, man this baby is going to be tiny! There is really a cord, a placenta, and a baby in there??? Meanwhile, Brett started to get antsy. He felt like we really needed to get this show on the road. All the chit chat was just slowing things down, and while I was loving the birth center atmosphere, he was feeling a bit uncomfortable with it. He felt there were too many people in the room, too much distraction, not enough focus on the birth, and I think in some ways he may have also felt left out with so many other people there to help me. He felt overwhelmed by all the commotion with having the other kids in and out of the room, the extra midwife, the nurse, the photographer, door opening and closing, too much talking, and so on. He was beginning to worry about the timing of things again. We had all expected the baby to be born by now, and here it was close to 4PM and it seemed like we were starting over. I did not realize he was feeling this way at the time, but looking back I can see how it was not an ideal situation for his personality.
Pumping was working, sort of, but it was slow going. Nicole suggested we do another half dose of the magic smoothie, so GRandi and Grandpa went to get some Prosecco, and someone at ABC made me the smoothie. I drank it quickly in the tub, and before too much longer, contractions started up again, this time feeling a bit more like what I was expecting. We were all pretty excited, but I was definitely running out of steam. I had not slept at all, and I was worrying about the time again b/c it had been so long since my original water broke.Z
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
But then about 15 minutes after making the decision, something changed in my labor. Contractions became incredibly intense, and there was a new sensation I had not felt before, and OMG it HURT. It hurt BAD. Like SO bad. It hurt like I had never felt before. It was not like the others. I became extremely upset and emotional and said oh no, this is it, and I just sent them away! So my mom got on the phone and caught them about half way home, and they turned around and came back. Once again the room was a-buzz with excitement as we all thought our baby was coming any minute. I was actually very uncomfortable in the tub, and I opted to labor in the shower during some of this time, but I wanted to deliver in the water, so I was going back and forth again, and it was REALLY intense. Brett was noticeably frustrated too b/c it was one false alarm after another. Enough time passed that he could have made it home and back.
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| Photo Credit: mandymariephotography.com |
Nicole believed me when I said something was coming out, but again, she wanted to do a pelvic exam b/c she couldn't tell me what might be going on, without one and that would give us the info we needed to make decisions. Decisions about what, I wondered? It was about 9PM now. Nicole listed out my options, but none of them sounded good. Epidural - nope, don't do needles, and don't want to transfer to hospital. Nubain - nope, don't want drugs or a shot, even if it is supposed to create rest. And regardless, anything but what I was doing already meant a hospital transfer, and that would take at least 2 more hours. I didn't have 2 more hours, no way! I would not accept this would be going on for 2 more hours. The pain I was in was unbearable. 2 more hours and I may as well be dead. This baby needed to come and I was going to make her come. I was pushing with all my might. With each contraction, I was feeling something banging down on my pubic bone from the inside. The contractions were one after another now. At some point during this stage I got upset with Brett b/c he suddenly got off the bed and began encouraging me and telling me I could do this. I must have been in a place of total despair b/c I said some pretty awful things to him then, and I was mad that he had not been more encouraging earlier on, but of course I did not know all of his mixed emotions about the birth center environment. Honestly, at this point my feelings had turned from joyful anticipation to full-on panic attack.
And then I let Nicole check me while I was standing in the shower. 7 centimeters. SEVEN. Not 8, not 9. A measly SEVEN! I lost it. It was almost 11PM, 22 hours since contractions woke me up at home. 22 HOURS! On my THIRD baby! I was hysterical and I announced that I was done!
Then BAM! Something slams into my pubic bone. BAM! BAM! Again and again! BAM! BAM! BAM! Again and again and again! MAKE IT STOP I SCREAM. MAKE IT STOP! It was at this time that I entered a pain induced state of delirium. I was literally screaming for my life, make it stop, please just make it stop! I even said I wanted to die. My screams were so loud they could hear me in the waiting room. Jack was escorted out of the birthing suite b/c he was scared by what was happening. Lander had fallen asleep, and they took her out too, but she did not wake up. My mother was sobbing to see me in so much pain, and Brett was very much there trying to help, but it was my sister who I latched onto and who truly got me through the rest of this birth.
It was decided I was going in for the epidural. It was also decided I would get the Nubain ASAP to help me. At this point, I am embarrassed to admit, I did not care what side effects the Nubain or the epidural may have on my baby. I sort of "forgot" about the baby and was just focused on making the pain stop, not realizing that having the baby is how the pain would stop, a packaged deal. I was literally in shock and out of my mind, but Nicole said something to me that I remember even in my hysteria. She said, "Brooke, there is a difference between labor and suffering, and YOU are suffering!" It was no longer humane for me to be in this much pain, and I didn't have to be if I got the epidural. Delirious or not, I kept thinking again about the timing, and how another 2 hours before the epidural was going to be impossible to survive. They got me into the bed, screaming and clinging onto my sister for dear life with every contraction, and they shot the Nubain into my leg. Within minutes the Nubain kicked in. It did not lessen the pain of the contractions, but it did in a way lessen my hyper-awareness of what was going on around me.
The rest of the time at ABC was a nightmarish, excruciating blur. Everyone was hustling and bustling, packing up, working out logistics, distracting the children, comforting my mother. In an effort to make things go faster once we got to the hospital, they attempted to insert my IV before we left. This was impossible b/c I was absolutely a terrible patient and freaking out too much with each contraction to be still enough for it to happen. Lots of sticks later, we still had no IV. My sister may have been delegating and talking to everyone the whole time, but I never knew anything other than her being totally "my person." I gripped on to her for dear life. I screamed and cried and begged for her to stop the pain, and she held me tightly with each contraction and talked me through them. I have no idea what she said, but I know she never left my side.
It was faster to drive than to order an ambulance for transport. Nicole had called the hospital, so they knew we were coming. Once everything was packed up and whatever was needed before we could leave was done, my sister got me out of the bed, dressed me in PJ pants and threw a sweater she'd been wearing earlier over me. Brett had pulled the van around, and he was waiting for me and my sister to get in. By now I was no longer accurately cognizant of anything going on around me, so a lot of what I am writing is what I've been told. The Nubain was in full force, and I just kept saying I was so sad and so scared and how I had failed and how confused I was in between these abnormally monstrous contractions. I do remember it was still storming, and the bottom of my PJ pants got wet as I walked to the van. I also remember being upset that they had blood on them now b/c they were the special PJs I had packed to wear after the baby was born.
The ride to the hospital took about 7-8 minutes. We had left just before 1AM. So looking back on the timing again, it was a little after 11 when I got the Nubain. It had taken almost 2 hours just to get out of the birth center! In the van as I was screaming and writhing in pain, begging for it to stop, I was pushing with each contraction, but my sister told me I didn't have to push, the epidural was coming soon. She said for me to do whatever would give me the most relief. So at some point, I began clinching and holding my breath with each contraction instead of pushing. Brett dropped us off at the ER, and I held onto my sister as she helped me get inside. Someone brought us a wheelchair, but apparently I was upset b/c there were no footrests on the chair, and it was extremely uncomfortable to sit in. My sister said something about it to the guy who brought it to us, and he said people kept stealing the ones with footrests (WTH???). Things in this story are about to get really weird b/c the Nubain made it seem like an out of body experience.
As my sister wheeled me down the hallways, I felt like I was floating. I was clinching with each contraction, holding my breath, trying to suck in instead of push out, and while it was hurting like crazy, between contractions, my eyes were rolling back in my head, and I was half sleeping. I was also saying things that didn't make any sense, and I was SO SAD and so worried that the staff thought I was a failure, that they didn't know what I had been going through and that they would think I just gave up. My sister tried to reassure me they were expecting me and that they did know what I'd been through b/c Nicole told them. I remember being wheeled through double doors and suddenly having a flashback of my stay there for Lander's birth b/c it looked familiar. Then suddenly I was in the L&D room, but it was bigger than I remembered and the lights were so bright and there was an entire team waiting for me. It was like I was in an automated car wash. I was just moving along a conveyor belt and stuff was happening to me. They took off my clothes and put me in a gown, they got me into the bed, they began to stick me for the IV, and all the while my sister was by my side and I was gripping her with each contraction as I'd been doing for about 2 hours by now.
Brett had parked the car and made it to the room, but then I asked him to go get my birth plan b/c I had a different one in the event of hospital birth, and somehow I realized I still wanted them to follow it as closely as possible, especially the baby care portion, so he went back to the car again to get it. When he came back they told him he needed to go down to the registration desk or something, so he left the room again. My mother had also arrived, but I don't know who she rode with or how she got there. I was told she had been her own emotional mess b/c seeing me in so much pain was too much for her to bear, but I only remember seeing her standing at the foot of the bed. My nurse, Katelyn, was so kind to me. She was also listening to my sister and really trying to be sensitive to my fears. The Nubain made me feel confused and embarrassed and sad and scared. Katelyn was so patient. She was gently reaching across my belly, trying to fasten the contraction monitor and baby heart monitor strips, but I was having contractions and kept turning on my right side and grabbing onto my sister. She was able to get one of the strips hooked up. My sister helped her untangle my IV tube and suggested she come around behind her on my right side to fasten the other strip, but as she did that I had another HUGE contraction.
Ever since the car ride I had been clinching instead of pushing, b/c fighting the urges was the lesser of 2 evils for dealing with the contraction pain. But THIS time, I didn't clinch. I screamed out and pushed harder than ever! THIS WAS IT! I was on my side gripping onto my sister's neck with my head down in her chest. My butt was up in the air and my legs were pretty much stretched out and spread open. My mother, at the foot of the bed, said, "I see a head!" Katelyn rushed back around to my left side of the bed and caught my baby!
And just like that, the pain stopped!
The IV was in but no drip yet, the 30 minute clock for the strips had not even started yet, it would have still been a good half hour at least before I'd have gotten the epidural. My midwife had arrived, but she was at the desk checking in. Brett was still not back in the room. But THE PAIN STOPPED.
Suddenly the room flooded with people. They had called in a trauma team for the baby. While a team had been ready for my arrival, no one expected the baby to come that quickly, so now she needed her own team. As soon as they saw her coming, they sounded an alarm, and down at the registration desk they told Brett he needed to get back to the room immediately. He had no idea what was happening, but he took off running down the hall. When he got back in the room, Katelyn was already drying the baby off with towels and handing her over to her team. When I saw Brett, I had a strange hallucination of a clap and a cheering move he made one time when Jack won his first Intermediate BMX race. I was so out of it. I didn't even realize I had a baby. I saw the baby, I asked about the baby, I knew there was a baby in the room, but I wondered how it got there and whose baby was it? I do not have a clear memory of anything that was happening. Again, I kept saying over and over that I was so sad and so confused.
Miss Marlee Fae was born at 1:17AM on 2/22/2019, after 24 hours of labor, and only about 15 minutes after we'd arrived at the hospital! She was "stunned" at birth, which meant all the blood in the placenta rushed to her head to protect the vital organ of her brain, so her little body came out blue. The baby team and respiratory therapist were working on her for quite a bit, but they got her breathing and she eventually pinked up. Her Oxygen intake levels were low at first and her initial APGAR was only a 2. Her left arm was in a strange position and for a few minutes they thought it might be broken, but it just needed to be stimulated. There was a red hand print and outline of "gunk" on her head and in her hair, so everyone pretty much came to the theory that Marlee's hand had been stuck on her head for quite some time, and that her elbow is what had been slamming into my pubic bone and why her head had not been engaging. The "something" I felt coming out back at the birth center may have actually been her elbow! This unusual position was ultimately deemed the reason why things went the way they did and also why I was experiencing an excessive amount of pain. Perhaps the bumpy car ride and all the commotion of getting to the hospital, or maybe me just not pushing for a while, helped her relocate her arm so she could come out. We will never really know. What I do know is that I went in for the epidural and never ended up having it!While they were working on the baby, Nicole and Katelyn were working on me, delivering my placenta, getting the cord blood, giving me Pitocin to stop excessive bleeding, cleaning me up, etc. The only concept of timing I have at this point is from the time stamps on pictures my mom and sister took. I vaguely remember someone handing me the baby, nursing her, talking about her oxygen levels, but the Nubain was peaking in my system then, so I wasn't really "present' for her birth or most of what was happening immediately after. I do remember everyone making a fuss over how big she was when we all thought she would be tiny! 8 pounds, 9.5 ounces and 21.75 inches long! She was my biggest baby! My mom and sister took all the pics in the hospital, and I am so glad they did, even though they are not the most flattering of me!
I became lucid again around 5:30AM. I have no memory of moving from L&D to postpartum, but somehow I was there, in the hospital bed at 5:30AM, holding my baby and listening to Brett snore on the pull-out next to me. It was then that I actually realized I'd had a baby. I remember looking around the room and thinking, OMG! They left her in here with me??? What have I been doing for the last 3 hours? How did she get in my arms? Was it safe for me to even be holding her all this time? Wait, was I even holding her? I was terribly confused, but none of that mattered b/c right then, at 5:30 in the morning, I officially met my beautiful sweet baby for the first time. I could not stop crying. I just could not believe I had her! I remember saying, something like "hi baby, where did you come from?" And I meant it! She was so calm, so beautiful, so absolutely perfect. I studied her little features and snuggled her and nursed her and just cried and cried and cried.I was so grateful she was healthy and safe, but I was so sad that I had missed her birth. Yes, I know I was physically there, but I didn't get to see it at all, and I most certainly wasn't mentally present! Brett wasn't even in the room for it, and I was so disappointed that the big kids weren't there. Somehow I got it into my head that 7AM would be an acceptable time to call GRandi and talk to the kids. I recalled that Papa had a colonoscopy scheduled for that morning, and I knew GRandi would have to take my kids with her to drop him off, so I figured they would all be up and able to talk by 7. I didn't even know if they knew Marlee had been born. I was so worried about what Jack had witnessed when I was delirious, and I knew how much they wanted to be there for her birth, and now they wouldn't even get to meet their sister until we left the hospital.
I was so tired the rest of the day that I don't really remember every detail. I know Brett came back way later than we thought he would that evening and my mom finally left. At 1AM (now Saturday) the night nurse (who was not my favorite) took Marlee for her hearing screening and PKU test. I was allowed to stand outside the nursery and watch through the window, but I kind of wish I hadn't. Poor Baby had so many sticks and it broke my heart. Her bilirubin count was high, and they decided she was jaundiced, so a few hours after that they brought the lights and had us put her under them with little blind fold goggles. I really felt this was all so cruel, but Marlee seemed content and just snuggled with me and nursed. We were lucky to have a giraffe neck lamp that we could move around as needed so we could still hold her.
Because of the jaundice, we didn't get to leave on Saturday, but thankfully by Sunday, her count was normal and we were released. We got home in the late afternoon, settled in a bit, and then GRandi and Papa brought the big kids home to finally meet their baby sister! It was very emotional to see them all together. As any mom understands, I love all my babies so much, and even just 2 days apart from Jack and Lander had me missing them like crazy! I was so happy to be reunited.
While that is pretty much the end of the birth story, here are some random thoughts and take-aways from my experience.
I am still processing, 2.5 months later, this birth. While yes, the goal is to have a healthy baby, and I have that, I strongly believe that moms matter too, and the birthing experience is very personal, and different moms have different needs when it comes to birth. For me, I was really looking forward to this birth as redemption after my terrible experience with Lander. At Lander's birth, I had felt totally confident, sure of what was happening, in complete control over my thoughts and emotions, but I'd had a midwife who did not trust me, and so I did not trust her. I trusted my body completely and didn't even feel I needed the midwife, and for the most part I had been right about that. Also, the hospital staff at Lander's birth were terrible to me. So rude, no bedside manner, judgmental about water birth, etc. I felt like I was awesome, but everyone around me sucked.
This time I felt like everyone around me was awesome, but I sucked. I finally had the amazing support I wanted, and while I went into this birth feeling strong, capable and empowered, I let the timing and lack of control take over and it just destroyed my confidence. I am still very sad that I went into an altered state of mind, even though I had no control over it. I wish I'd just passed out from the pain instead. I hate that Jack was scared when the idea was for him to witness a beautiful birth. I hate that Brett and I were not on the same page once we were there and things were not going as planned. It makes me sad that not only did I miss the birth, but b/c we went to the hospital, my photographer also missed it, and that was after hours and hours of waiting! I know not all of these thing matter in the big picture, but they are the pieces I feel sad and disappointed about. These are my feelings, and I am still working through them.
On another note, and maybe TMI for some, I hardly tore at all. It is amazing what 21 hours in a tub will do for your perineum! I would have declined stitches anyway, but this time they didn't even suggest them. One thing that was just frustrating is that while we were there, the hospital had no hot water, so I was not able to take a shower after the birth. My sister brought an electric kettle and gave me a sort of sponge bath later Friday morning. That was just strange. I wondered how in the world would anyone be able to have a hospital water birth with no hot water? The nurse manager was very sweet and it seemed the staff was embarrassed even by this, so they were very nice to me and knew how badly I wanted a shower, so finally on Saturday afternoon, they escorted me to a different part of the hospital where I could take a real shower. It was GLORIOUS.The worst aftermath pain was my bum. It was UNBELIEVABLE. I'll spare you the details.
Once home and settled, I looked up Nubain b/c I was trying to piece together things, and I was surprised that my experience of what it was like on this drug was very much how it is described. Dysphoria, a state of feeling unwell and unhappy, is one of the known side effects. Feeling of floating, hallucinating, and excessive crying are also listed as side effects. That explains a LOT...
Sometimes I wonder if we had NOT done the magic smoothie, if we'd just waited a bit longer, like even just another day, if she would have come on her own and been in position instead of whatever was going on with her arm. I feel guilty in some ways for rushing her out when I gave the other 2 exactly the time they needed! Who cares if Jack was 10 days late and Lander 16? I was just so desperate to stay at ABC, and we were getting close to the 14 day limit. As it was, even with the magic smoothie, Marlee was 12 days late. My babies like it on the inside!
I also feel like if I had just been a little bit stronger, I could have stayed at ABC, seeing as she was born like 20 minutes after we left. Why couldn't I just hold on for 20 more minutes??? I contemplate this constantly and the only answer I can come up with is that God knew we needed the hospital team for her since she was "stunned" at birth. Ultimately, I tell myself she was meant to be born in that hospital.
But I was still meant to have the labor experience I dreamed of, with supportive midwives and my family and children around me too. I got that part for sure, for way longer than I'd expected! The climax may have been very traumatic and the delivery not ideal, but there were so many awesome hours before things got crazy that I truly loved. Also, while it was unfortunate that Brett wasn't in the room when Marlee arrived, as a family we have found some comfort in the idea of all or none - that if it couldn't be all of us, then it was none of us there for her birth! And ultimately we have a healthy baby!
Mandy ended up taking GRandi and my kiddos home around 11:30 Thursday night, once we all knew we were transferring. GRandi didn't have a car b/c Papa had left earlier. So logistically, it was nice that worked out.
The hospital staff was outstanding. This experience was not anything like the one I had with Lander. They worked in sync with the birth center transfer, and you can tell ABC has a great relationship with everyone there. They were so respectful of me and my phobias, and even though I came in totally doped up and out of my mind, they treated me wonderfully.
Now Marlee is just over 10 weeks old. I go back to work June 3rd, and I am very sad about that. I have loved every second with her. It is MUCH different having a baby at almost 40! I know more, and yet in some ways I am starting all over since my big kids are pretty self sufficient. It is nice to have helpers, but also we are so busy with sports and activities that Marlee just goes along for the ride, although she HATES the car seat, and it takes forever to get anywhere b/c I have to pull over so often to get her out and calm her! So far she is a pretty good night sleeper but not much of a napper. She loves to be held, and I love holding her! She is very selective with her smiles. We say she is tough crowd or a tough nut to crack b/c it takes a LOT of effort to make her smile, but she is most always content (except in the car!). She is super strong and never stops wiggling. In fact, she wiggled so much while she was inside me that her cord had 2 knots in it! She is already trying to stand and pushing up with her arms. I want her to stop doing all these things so soon! I'm not ready!
Time, slow down!
Our new normal is much like our old normal: chaotic and loud, always running behind schedule, and crazy busy, but Marlee fits in perfectly, and we are so in love with her.
After every storm there is a rainbow of hope...
And ours is named Marlee Fae!
